So I’m on the side line Saturday with the other season ticket holders bringing out the Canadian flag for O Canada. I’m minding my business, The head coach is like 200 yards away, but this man has EARS so big they probably pick up satellite radio. My girlfriend squints and goes, “Why does he look so angry? He looks like an off-brand Gargamel.”
I panic. I’m like, “SHUT UP, HE CAN HEAR US.”
She laughs, until he TURNS. Not walks, not jogs. TURNS..
Next thing I know, this man is SPRINTING toward me like I just bad-mouthed his favorite protein powder. Before I can react, this dude snatches my toque straight off my head like it was a turnover he could challenge.
I’m stunned. My scalp is cold. My girlfriend is praying. The coach is standing there wearing my toque with a stupid grin on his face.
Then security pulls up like “Sir, is there a problem?” And this coach, this MASTER MANIPULATOR, instantly transforms like he just activated cutscene mode and goes:
“Problem? No, no, this is my best friend, my BROTHER, my day-one from preschool. Look, I’m just borrowing his toque because it’s cold. Right, champ?”
I’m still processing the ear-to-sprint timeline, so all I manage to say is:
“Yes”
Security nods and leaves. Coach pats my shoulder like I just got drafted to his emotional support roster and walks away in my toque, humming like a Disney villain who just got the magic amulet.